I knew I wanted to write about what life is like being in your early 20s in 2020, but I didn’t quite know where to start. So, I embarked on a quest for raw truth and asked for feedback from my dear friends (thank you all, you ROCK). We have these conversations often finding many hard things to deal with, and often some silver linings along the way.

So what IS it like to be in your early twenties these days?

Expectations vs Reality

Now to preface, I don’t think that people mean for these questions to come across as judgmental as they often do, but it is quite harmful to the 20-something-year-olds that I know: what are you doing these days? Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? What is your degree? (directly followed by) You know you won’t be making any money. (or better yet) why?     And the list goes on.

The questions come from the goodness of our families’ hearts, from the wanting of us to do well in life, to be “happy” and fulfilled. Yet, there can be hesitation in wanting to answer the questions truthfully out of fear of judgement—that we are indeed not doing enough, not meeting the expectations laid out for us.  

There is a sort of unsaid, societal expectation that when a middle-class (white) student graduates from high school, they will go to college, get a degree (maybe two), find a husband/wife (of opposite sex), get a good paying job, then settle down. From there it is expected that you’ll have children, start a family, and keep up an image on social media of how perfect your life has turned out—the highlight reel as some may say.

So what happens when, in reality, this is nothing like how life works out? Well, it is okay. There is not a single path that we’re meant to take. The patterns in the way society has been for so long may convince us that we are “behind” but I can assure you that there is no set path to take to get to where you want to be.

Comparisons that are unrealistic

I once had a wise professor spend an entire hour talking about why age is arbitrary. It is a mark of where you *should* be according to society’s expectations of you and especially used to put youth into a box where they are not to escape until they are “of age.” Age can also be a marker of your “success” depending on your age in relation to accomplishments.

Age and all that is associated with it is also a load of B.S. Here is why: many people in their early twenties begin to compare ourselves to the lives of our parents “when they were our age.” But here is the kicker: life was drastically different decades ago, even months ago at this rate! So why are we still comparing ourselves to these unrealistic benchmarks? Odds are your grandma was having kids by now (let’s say 22) but life is hard, money is scarce, and energy is low– making these expectations simply no longer relevant.

While I suggest these expectations are changing and evolving to be more accepting of the differing timelines in the changing world around us, it can be hard for early-20-year-olds to grapple with the idea that in fact, their timeline of what we thought life would be like when we were young and idealistic is based on a false premise. I could go on and on about this, but for the sake of brevity, I concede my point.

Social media seeps into our daily life, and with this comes the notion that comparison is (encouraged) everywhere. People are posting their avocado toast, workout routines, fitness improvements, accomplishments, gatherings with friends, travel pics, the list goes on. Content that makes us compare our lives (both consciously and subconsciously) to the highlight reel of other people is detrimental to mental health. Comparisons in general, whether it is body image, belongings, investments, cars, traveling, etc. only drives us to insanity and high levels of anxiety. It is hard to stop when we constantly consuming as a society; consuming media, ads for products we think that we need, and other people’s philosophy’s on life. I urge you to limit this intake; allow yourself the grace to not have a perfect, aesthetically appealing life– I can promise your cereal tastes just as good as the over-priced toast posted on social media.

Toddler adulthood

My dear pal Holly gave me the best explanation of why it is so hard being in your early twenties: it is because it is toddler adulthood. We are expected to jump into a career without knowing even how to get a mortgage, buy a car, take out loans, pay those loans back, ya know the things of life that we don’t want to do but now have to. I am aware this is a privilege of not knowing as I haven’t had to do that yet, and I am not complaining about that (thanks parents!) but I am saying that it can be a bit daunting to learn all of these very important life skills while simultaneously creating our life.

Becoming financially independent is hard when the job market isn’t too hot, and the debt we’ve accrued along the way is looming in the backs of our minds. It can be even harder when you have to move back home since rent can be so much to handle alone. In a way, losing the newfound independence to now revert back to a mindset of before you had left in the first place. For many of my friends, this is hard because as much as we want to be financially independent, it is not always feasible.

I recently turned 22 and now I feel a bit more pressure to take on the world by storm. There are countless books, blogs, podcasts, and social media posts addressing what we ought to be doing right now.

I am expected to make a salary, have a nice job, travel, and find a spouse—and I’ll do all of that with the help of prayer, community, and my determination and so will my friends but at our own pace—please be gentle with the twenty-something-year-olds in your life because I can guarantee we are all vastly different from each other in regards to the “benchmarks” set out for us.

BUT there are so so many GOOD things with entering your 20s.

Now is the chance that we have to create the life we want to live. Take charge and find out your passions, new hobbies, all of the goodness with the freedom to go out and create. You have the freedom to now chisel out the morals you actually care about from the mound of raw material you’ve been told your whole life. You can build community and relationships that you want to be a part of for the long run. You have the power to get healthy and seek out support and practice self-care. You have the space to embrace creativity and new experiences, adding pieces to the collage of your life. Go and find what makes you happy!

Yes, there is more responsibility, but you also have more ownership and when things start going the way you were hoping for, it can be super rewarding. Your hard work through school is finally beginning to pay off and you’ll reap the benefits through the continued perseverance.

So yes, it kind-of, sort-of, really sucks to be twenty-something. There is anxiety and depression and stress with the unknown but there is also a big world out there that we are ready to embrace with arms wide open.

Being twenty-something is WEIRD, it is fun, exciting, yet heartbreaking at times.

P.S. please enjoy these tweets Buzzfeed has found about being 20-25: https://www.buzzfeed.com/ajanibazile/early-mid-twenties-tweets

Thank you for reading!!

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Personal side story:

I remember waking up one morning after a weird dream of me standing in the woods, reciting the poem The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. In my tenth grade Advanced Composition classroom, there was a poster with the poem hanging on the wall. From habit, I read it every day, so it makes sense that it was ingrained into my memory. And Frost is on to something—it is not about following the paved path that has been laid out for you, but rather taking your own, at your own pace. Yes, you may trip on the rocks along the way, but the end destination will be authentically YOU.

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The Road Not Taken

By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44272/the-road-not-taken